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Reasons to feel sad

  

Postby Digital Shifter » 05 Mar 2019, 16:06

Been clean from cigarettes and weed for 57 days now. I sleep like shit and wake up multiple times during the night. I still work out but only 3 days a week since I've been ill 3 times with the worst sore throats you can imagine. I have no energy to create music because I'm totally drained with no inspiration nor focus. GOD DAMMIT DUDE..
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Postby Valadia » 10 Mar 2019, 22:52

Digital Shifter:Been clean from cigarettes and weed for 57 days now. I sleep like shit and wake up multiple times during the night. I still work out but only 3 days a week since I've been ill 3 times with the worst sore throats you can imagine. I have no energy to create music because I'm totally drained with no inspiration nor focus. GOD DAMMIT DUDE..


I feel ya man. Shit can be tough, but hang on. You'll get there again.
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kraczk:Also Hard Driver and Digital Punk are notorious for being edgier than US school shooters.
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Postby dolanpls » 14 Mar 2019, 21:17

Was going to see Atmozfears and Sefa this weekend, but my stupid ass thought that it was Saturday, not Friday and now I have no time to go there... I'm a fucking idiot :'( :'( :rofl:
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Postby HardstyleLJ » 22 Mar 2019, 23:44

the man behind the Qlimax voice, Chris Corley, has passed away march 21st. he made it to 55 years until the pancreatic cancer got him.
it is a reason for me to feel sad because his iconic voice is a huge part of the hardstyle scene.
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Postby Shadder » 07 Apr 2019, 11:24

I have tinnitus and I feel like my passion for Hardstyle is slowly fading :(
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Postby Soundphase » 09 Apr 2019, 16:29

Shadder: passion for Hardstyle

Hey believe me, hardstyle is infinite. It's just fatigue, or stress which makes you think that your passion is dying. If you take a few days break it can help. Sometimes hardstyle is just a pain in the ass, but know that it's an eternal world with limitless possibilities. my attitude is, "if this doesn't help my mood, I'm going to stay away from this for a while". Btw, you can also be passionate about hardstyle and make other kind of music. Don't let your mind tell you that you need to do specific things.
It's better to fail in originality than succeed in imitation

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Postby The Convicted » 11 Apr 2019, 11:10

I don't really know where to start, mixture of different thoughts. Will be a veeeery long post.

Five months ago I started to talk with a girl through the internet. First we just did a little but as days went by, I started to pay attention on her much more and vice versa (and this time I'm sure it happened and it's not my illusion). Once she suggested if we could talk this much and all seems to be good then we should meet. I was hesitating as hell because I've never really met anyone from the internet and was extremely anxious. What she will think when she sees me? Of course we've seen each other on pictures and sure she wasn't fake because I got one especially made for me (no, not nudes, just something really kind), but who knows what might happen, which of my features, gestures, words, whatever will discourage her and rebuild the image she had in her mind?

So we've agreed about a day to meet (calling it date? nah) but she became sick so we had to postpone it. Yeah, well... not so good when I'm completely blown away in my mind about the whole situation. But I was fine with that, I'm not trying to force my will on anyone. While she was sick, she spent a lot of time at home and this was the point where it started to become serious: I just realised I'm checking her each time I had some break at my workplace and she continuously texted me various things, started to talk about deeper topics and ourselves. I feel like she almost knows everything about me and still not scared which I still don't know how is possible but actually happened... and the meanwhile, I started to become braver to meet her after the first hesitations, I asked her to have another day to meet, but it seemed like the opportunity is slowly starting to slip through my fingers.

And here comes the problematic part. She's almost 5 years older than me (I feel like women/girls older than me to 29-30 yrs are more attractive than any other age groups, meh) and later she said, that at her age, it would be really good to find somebody to start a family with, she went through a lot of shit in her past (heavy drug addiction in her teen years, relationship with violent guys and such) and the problem is if she meets me, she expects it to be extremely good that she starts to develop deeper feelings, and because I'm younger, she cannot really think I'm up for that (me neither tho). I still find ridiculous the part I'm considered that great already without seeing and knowing me in person at all. She also said that getting together with me will bear more questionable things than someone older than her. As time went by, she became rejective about a meet. Later she admitted that the first time she wanted to meet, she wanted to have sex and things like that mostly (worth mentioning that unknown area = more stress, excitement = chance to ruin anything = more disappointment about me)

We're still talking with each other but much less in the past days. She said we really should stop doing that because it's really toxic to desire, while we cannot clearly see each other... and I actually think she's right at some point but I cannot really understand how it's possible to be sure about desiring without any personal contact. And that is my biggest problem. Besides that I'm clearly addicted to her.

And this is why I also consider myself a complete fool, mentally healthy people don't go deeper into stuff like this I do. Now that she's texting me less and her cute self has to be held in (I really would like to experience it ffs) I'm realising again that I'm alone. And by alone, I mean I don't have friends I share a lot of common things with. Common things? Hmm. Yup, I have to find the stuff I enjoy the most and dive myself in, but I want something that makes me a better and more "conscious" person compared to what I am now. The problem is that I'm afraid I will do it once again to make others comfortable with me, to make people I like to like me back, to accept me. Because I cannot accept myself. It's not about my body but my mindset, I just cannot change it, because I always come back to the conclusion I made earlier. Also I'm 24, the world is out there and I have to learn how to face it alone, but I feel like I'm collapsing beneath the burden falling on my shoulders.

I think I have some sort of AvPD developed during the years, maybe I should see a psychologist or someone like that (self-diagnosing, yay). I'm now a failure who is completely empty inside, waiting for one thing to completely occupy me but I have to find that thing. Maybe loneliness will be much more bearable and will not see myself hanging from a tree with rope wrapped around my neck or bathing in my own blood.

(I guess you think this crazy guy writes you something that is completely personal... but I think I'm capable of doing it when nobody knows me)
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Postby ceero » 11 Apr 2019, 15:50

I feel you bro, not a very comfy situation, i guess many guys have been there and done that at some point, me included and not just once. Don't beat yourself up and dont think there is something wrong with you, because there really isnt. Let me tell you what i think happend and how i see it from what you are describing and what you did wrong. It may sound a bit harsh but don't read it that i'm trying to diss you, but certain things that you obviously dont see here have to be said if you want to improve yourself. Unfortunately you are misreading the whole situation and overthinking has led you to completely wrong conclusions.

So, let's start from the very beginning.
You started chatting up a girl through the internet and you hit it off, had a good talk, possibly a spark. Which is a great starting point. Then, from what it looks like to me, you just kept talking and talking online, without actually moving it anywhere and just passively waiting for 'something' to happen, 'somehow', while being stuck in the same internet chatting cycle. Because you did not have the balls to move it further, ask her out and get physical and was afraid of screwing up what you already had at that point (while, in reality you had nothing going on, sorry to tell you that). I think it's fair to assume she innitially liked you and was imagining you as a possible lover (well she said it herself later). You are saying 'Once she suggested if we could talk this much and all seems to be good then we should meet.' at this point, i'm pretty certain that she was expecting you to make a move and ask her out, which you didn't. She was getting tired of waiting for you to man up, but still curious if there could be something between you, so she was willing to help you out there a little bit by throwing you a little stick and actually inviting YOU out. You said that you panicked a bit, started overthinking everything, doubting yourself and trust me, women can smell this kind of anxiety from miles even from text so i would say that was the final nail in the coffin for her. My guess would be that is also why she stood you up when you finally grew a pair and agreed to meet, which unfortunatelly was too late. At this point you started to feel that you are losing her and started to act more and more desperate, you probably confessed your feeling to her (never ever ever do that without getting physical with a girl prior to that and never ever ever ever ever do that through online chat. it is creepy as fuck). In a situation when you havent met before and you did this, she probably assumed (probably correctly) that you dont meet any girls and that you are desperate as hell and continued talking to you out of sheer sympathy. Which i think is also why she later suggested you would stop talking.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeverything else you are mentioning later is really irrelevant, trust me.
Her being older - bullshit. My roommate is 30 and she is dating a 19 years old guy and they are hitting it off perfectly. 5 years of age truly do not matter if there is some attraction. Her thinking about starting a family? With a guy she never met face to face? Please. At this point, she was just trying not to hurt you and started giving you all these 'rational' arguments why it wouldn't work out between you, while the only reason here was that she simply lost the initial interest for you, because you never grew a pair of balls and asked her out.
It's not even mental health issues, trust me this shit is something that every guy is going through at certain point in his life. At this point you are trying to blame it on mental health, on personality differences, on the situation that was not too convinient, while you are only trying to run away from something that seems kinda obvious to me from your post, you simply lack confidence. And honestly the only solution here is to work on your confidence and self image. Its a hard work, but noone else can do this for you.

Let me get a little deeper here.
If you are trying to meet a girl on the internet, online chatting can only get you to a certain point. You can project some things about yourself, you can see what kind of person she is (whether she is intelligent, what she likes etc) and it can be a great starting point. What you need to do, is to spark an attraction in her. That tickly thing in the belly that makes you think about the other person all the time and make you want to rip their clothes off when you meet. The tricky thing is that attraction works in a completely different way for girls than it does for us. IT IS NOT POSSIBLE TO GET A GIRL ATRACTED TO YOU THROUGH THE INTERNET, write that down with bold letters somewhere. To get a girl attracted, you need to interact face to face and without getting her attracted to you, nothing is going to happen, ever. Attraction is ignited by eye contact, body language, touch, the way you talk, the way you smell etc, not through text on the screen of a phone, no matter how funny or interesting or relatable it might be. If you never meet, you wont get her attracted, and nothing will happen, there is absolutely no way around that and girls are very well aware of that. Also, to get to this point, you have a certain time to do this. From the point when you start talking online, you get several weeks, one month at the top to make a move and if you won't, she will either assume you simply talk to her because you see her as a friend and you like talking to her, or figure out that you don't have the balls to make a move and loses all the initial interest (your case). Either way, nothing is never ever going to happen from this point. Why? Because women want to date a man, a masculine person with two balls and a straight back. If you are hesitating for weeks and acting like a pussy (and again, girls can and will detect this quickly), they will realize you are not confident with your decisions, you are scared to take a risk and dating you would most likely be super unexciting and that she would be the one wearing pants in the relationship. By hesitating, being passive and not moving it forward, you gave her all the power over yourself in the situation and that is something you never want to do. You must be the man, you must be the one leading the interaction forwards.

Good news - it can be fixed. Might not be easy, might not be quick, but it works perfectly. You need to get confident. Easier said than done, i know... Well, there are tons of great books on how to work on your confidence out there and this post is getting super fucking long anyway, so i dont want to go into that :+ you might wanna start here (that website is full of pure golden advice btw) https://www.girlschase.com/content/how- ... depression
But... Next time you start talking to a girl online and hit it off, promise to yourself - if everything goes well, you will just ask her out withing 2-3 weeks of having good chats. If you won't, this will happen again, i guarantee you that. She won't bite you, she won't laugh at you, stock market wont collapse, world wont start spinning the other way and there is a good chance she will gladly agree because she was expecting it (it could have been this case we are talking about).
And this girl, well, stop thinking about her and stop talking to her as quick as its possible, get rid of her from your social media, delete her number. Unless you want to get tangled in your obsession and overthinking even deeper.
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Postby The Convicted » 12 Apr 2019, 07:21

First of all, thank you for the reaction, but I'm going to tell you some other details in PM cause I don't want to spoil here everything.
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Postby Digital Shifter » 23 Apr 2019, 11:58

I don't literally feel sad but more like disappointed in myself and that makes me a little sad.
I know it's never too late to continue but I don't know what to do with myself at this moment.
I just think it's a good idea for me to tell you my whole story so that you can understand my current situation better.

Okay so, when I was a young lad I was already playing with magix music maker (I was very young back then) but I fell in love with putting sounds together and I had the slightest idea that these sounds were made by another person especially for this program.
So I started to look upon the internet to search for a more advanced program (DAW) to create music with and I stumbled upon Fruity Loops.
I got myself fruity loops and opened it and I was like. Where are the samples? Where are the instruments? After a while I opened up a synthesizer or something and I thought NOPE.

In the mean time my parents were in a heavy divorce, or better said, on the brink of a divorce with swearing and shit and they put me in the middle.
I had to choose between my own father and mother for Christ sake!
While my parents were busy fighting about me and the materials they had, I was just doing my own thing trying to avoid that stupid situation of a divorce.

Eventually I had to make a choice and I wanted to go with my father.
To start over I thought.
Finally a new beginning with new friends and a new place to explore.
It was all going so well.
I was finally doing a good job in school and getting actually good results on tests etc.
Then through school I met this guy who knew a guy that was busy creating hardstyle in fruity loops.
And that was the spark that started everything.
I went to this guy and I asked how he was working with fl studio and he said that it was pretty easy.
So I came home and immediately downloaded fl again and I started to play with fl studio.

But then one day while I was playing with fruit loops my stepmother shouted my name with mach 20 because I had to come downstairs for something important, I could hear in her voice that something was terribly wrong.

When I came downstairs she told me to wait for my father because he was on the toilet.
When he finished he came in the living room and he hugged my tight and started crying.

He told me he was very ill.
He told me that he had cancer for the third time. (Yes while I was young I had witnessed my father being in the hospital for his cancer. He also got cancer one time before I was even born)
He started explaining what this could mean and he said that he has prostate cancer.

Me as a very bright young individual, I was optimistic and I answered: ''You can beat this, you're strong and you've already beaten this twice. You can beat this, right dad?''
Weeks were going by and my father started to feel more ill. I will spare you the details.
They were doing tests and then I got the call. That one call that broke me personally.

My own dad told me that he was going to die.
That the cancer already spread from his prostate to his bladder and from his bladder to his bones.

Believe me when I say that my father was a muscular guy. Working in construction almost his whole life made him swole and muscled af.
But the cancer was eating him slowly and he had no muscle left.
His skin was hanging and he was looking pale.
It was the worst thing to see in my entire life.
I remember sitting in the bus towards the hospital everyday to visit him.
Sometimes I was crying.
I'm even tearing up right now.

No one should lose a parent like that.
NO ONE!

When they brought him home he was in a lot of pain and couldn't barely move.
I never told my father that I loved him.
But from the moment that I knew he was going to die, I told him every day that I loved him and he said that as well.
He said: Please go to school. Please, take care of yourself. Don't ever do drugs or that bullshit.
He went back to the hospital because he couldn't bare the pain.

On a Thursday morning around 8 o'clock when I was ready to go to school the hospital called.
My father passed away. 4 days before my birthday.

I was broken.
School went bad and I had severe anger issues.
My stepmother couldn't handle me longer and said I had to go back to my mother.
But that was the beginning.
I slipped into a depression with anxiety and other severe issues.
Finished another school and then I started working

I started to pick up the music again since that was my only way to forget everything.
I could just create and not think about anything.
In 2013 I decided to get more gear and stuff and take music seriously.

I love the process and progress I was making and I'm still making progress
It took years for me to get where I am right now.

And now after almost 9 years since his passing I still create music.
I have signed myself up for music production college but got rejected.
I made a few tracks here and there and still want to work with music for people or for myself.
I love the techniques and making kicks and synths etc.
But lately I don't have the motivation to finish tracks.
And that's the problem I'm facing right now.

Right now I feel great physically and mentally.
I'm going to the gym for the last 2 years and I've become a muscular myself.
But my motivation to finish a track is there but I just can't do it.
I can create kicks and synths which still is a lot of fun but finishing a track and polishing that is such a pain in the ass.
I already had a big break where I didn't create or touch my desk for months.
It all started with passion.
But now what I want is just to work and earn bread. Don't get me wrong, money isn't my number one reason to create music.
I don't have to be famous like headhunterz or noisecontrollers, which I wanted to be of course when I was young.
Now I just want to work with people and help them and guide them but I also want my own little house and car as well you understand?

I'm worried about my future. I desperately want to work in the music industry but can't seem to find a gap nor a reaching hand to fulfill my dreams.

This is my latest work for anyone interested.
Show spoiler
https://soundcloud.com/weaponizedx/face-your-fear-by-weaponized


I know the mixdown is terrible :+

EDIT: Feel free to PM me for any questions :)
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Postby the_wraith » 23 Apr 2019, 13:53

Digital Shifter:But lately I don't have the motivation to finish tracks.


Not sure if this thread is available for replying or not so I'll keep it short ;)

Motivation is mostly irrelevant. Passion is mostly irrelevant. Willpower is what you need. I had such a streak myself where I didnt finish anything and I went thru all those stupid motivation lists and producer tricks and there was one single item that worked wonders: Finish everything. You think its shit? Finish it. You dislike it? Finish it. You have no clue what to do with it? Finish it. Because this way you learn masses of skills you would never learn if you would just finish the few things that come with the inspirational flow.
Of course - and I hope it aint offensive saying this - its also possible that theres a psychological thing. You said you started making music to forget, now you seem to have made your peace and there seems less motivation to make music. Maybe theres a link there, too.

Also - if I may say so - whats up with all you kids today with thinkin youre old when youre in your early 20s lol. Whatcha ppl gonna do if you hit it off as a star and you become 30 or 40 - you all turn secretaries or go Avicii on the world ?_? I'm 38 and I wanna start producing professionally in the next years. Fuck age, dude. You wanna do something, do it. You cant, figure out why, work on it and then do it.
All the best to you!
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Postby Digital Shifter » 23 Apr 2019, 16:59

Thanks for your comment. But don't forget that I started to create music out of curiosity. ;)
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Postby Soundphase » 22 May 2019, 19:20

Digital Shifter:I'm worried about my future. I desperately want to work in the music industry but can't seem to find a gap nor a reaching hand to fulfill my dreams.
)

Don't worry about all that, you're only 24 man. All you need to do is think more simply, just do what you want to do.
There's right and wrong, do right things. Be honest and sincere with yourself and take your time. When I was 24/25 I was worried as well for a while. I thought I was running out of time or something, it's an illusion. You can't try to "make it" because that makes you fail, don't even try just have fun. But you have to think about making money another way. Making a living from a hobby can be something to aspire to of course, but nobody can know if it will happen, not even yourself.
It's better to fail in originality than succeed in imitation

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Postby Shadder » 26 Jun 2019, 16:30

My tinnitus is super strong these days and I consider cancelling going to defqon... even if it means that I will not get refund for travel & ticket...

Really not sure what to do...
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Postby Valadia » 06 Jul 2019, 20:59

Slowly starting to feel so fucking overburdened. A million things on my mind, only 24 hours in a day. How the fuck am I supposed to fix everything with such limited time.
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