Not a fan of one of the genres?





(You can't hide all the genres)
 

Reasons to feel sad

  

Postby Katsching » 29 Nov 2019, 15:36

Coincidently, I have just booked my tickets for Anjunadeep Explorations in June, but all I can think of now is that I hope everyone in Albania will recover and there wont be any further corpses and no more earthquakes. Be strong!
description of TOA - Genosha 175 #10:
The Outside Agency is more powerful than a locomotive that is more powerful than two locomotives!
User avatar
Katsching (25)
State Hero
 
Posts: 4712
Location: Austria (at)



Postby ThePrincipal » 05 Jan 2020, 07:19

Australia being on fire :(
The Principal - Hardstyle DJ/Producer from Australia

Facebook: @theprincipalofficial
Soundcloud: @theprincipalaus
ThePrincipal
State Celebrity
 
Posts: 1823
Location: Australia (au)

Postby SKRWD » 05 Jan 2020, 09:35

Idk. I feel like I have to get it off my chest. After I stopped taking my medications some months ago I immediately felt relieved AND for the first time ever in my life I realised what an emotional wreck I am. These pills just numbed me, took the focus on my severe issues away and made me artificially happy. Doctors either told me that it's without any doubt necessary or they said that either pill won't help me (and I tried nearly every psychotropic except Methylphenidate because I won't get the ADHD diagnosis due to drug abuse in my history). I was fully aware that this therapy thing wasn't a long term solution but holy fuck. My problems only worsened.

Without consideration I fell back into my old patterns of behaviour, started abusing drugs (I've always used them here and there but I'm talking about REAL abuse), for example I snorted for four days straight without any sleep, completely drained, just to be admitted to a hospital due to a psychotic episode in which soldiers were coming in order to kidnap, interrogate and torture me. I know it sounds absurd and I'm glad to got over it. But. Besides the obvious severe issues, I'm currently in a black hole, full of self compassion, guilt, pity and remorse, thus resulting in asshole like behaviour towards everyone around me. It feels that I'm yet again alienating myself from everything that is good and precious to me. I broke up with my girlfriend in an emotional outburst of paranoia, I'm about to lose my apartment and my apprenticeship and I honestly don't have a way out of this misery. I don't know what to do right now and I'm not expecting you to offer a solution to this question. But it's relieving to hear that I'm not alone with these problems...

TLDR: I need help.
User avatar
SKRWD (25)
State Native
 
Posts: 531
Location: Germany (de)

Postby adamross » 05 Jan 2020, 20:58

Stay strong bro. And seek help. If you want to talk just shoot a pm.
User avatar
adamross
Producer
 
Posts: 758
Location: Hungary (hu)

Postby Emre » 07 Jan 2020, 01:13

I fucking hate winter. I always have the heater at 22c and wear multiple layers of clothing and still my fucking skin is freezing off.
It was, it was like slow motion
and everything was so out of my control
In that moment, I don't know...what happens where souls go,
but I really realized the depth of love that I had and... Thank god for music
Emre (25)
State Retired Person
 
Posts: 18656
Location: Netherlands (nl)

Postby Valadia » 07 Jan 2020, 01:43

Emre:I fucking hate winter. I always have the heater at 22c and wear multiple layers of clothing and still my fucking skin is freezing off.


I'm sad because of the complete opposite. I love the cold, atm it's way too warm for me.
Soundcloud
Facebook
kraczk:Also Hard Driver and Digital Punk are notorious for being edgier than US school shooters.
User avatar
Valadia (22)
Producer
 
Posts: 1756
Location: Netherlands (nl) Groningen

Postby Emre » 07 Jan 2020, 01:48

Valadia:
Emre:I fucking hate winter. I always have the heater at 22c and wear multiple layers of clothing and still my fucking skin is freezing off.


I'm sad because of the complete opposite. I love the cold, atm it's way too warm for me.


Brain checks out. :omg:

I am literally wearing my thick winter coat inside at the moment (not even a joke). With a t shirt + hoodie underneath.
It was, it was like slow motion
and everything was so out of my control
In that moment, I don't know...what happens where souls go,
but I really realized the depth of love that I had and... Thank god for music
Emre (25)
State Retired Person
 
Posts: 18656
Location: Netherlands (nl)

Postby Valadia » 07 Jan 2020, 14:30

Emre:
Valadia:
Emre:I fucking hate winter. I always have the heater at 22c and wear multiple layers of clothing and still my fucking skin is freezing off.


I'm sad because of the complete opposite. I love the cold, atm it's way too warm for me.


Brain checks out. :omg:

I am literally wearing my thick winter coat inside at the moment (not even a joke). With a t shirt + hoodie underneath.


Mate, what xD
Soundcloud
Facebook
kraczk:Also Hard Driver and Digital Punk are notorious for being edgier than US school shooters.
User avatar
Valadia (22)
Producer
 
Posts: 1756
Location: Netherlands (nl) Groningen

Postby ceero » 07 Jan 2020, 15:11

Emre:I fucking hate winter. I always have the heater at 22c and wear multiple layers of clothing and still my fucking skin is freezing off.

x10000, fuck winter, fuck cold, fuck the sunset at 4pm. I feel like im a different person once the first spring days hit and this shit starts to fade away. If it was up to me it would be 30+ degrees all year. Relocating permanently somewhere to Australia or Portugal or Miami or something where you dont need to deal with this winter bullshit one day is high on my priority list.
Image
User avatar
ceero (28)
State Retired Person
 
Posts: 12833
Location: Czech Republic (cz) Prague

Postby Emre » 07 Jan 2020, 15:18

ceero:
Emre:I fucking hate winter. I always have the heater at 22c and wear multiple layers of clothing and still my fucking skin is freezing off.

x10000, fuck winter, fuck cold, fuck the sunset at 4pm. I feel like im a different person once the first spring days hit and this shit starts to fade away. If it was up to me it would be 30+ degrees all year. Relocating permanently somewhere to Australia or Portugal or Miami or something where you dont need to deal with this winter bullshit one day is high on my priority list.


I also would get the fuck out of here if financial/contact with family/my girlfriend who doesn't want to leave/etc reasons weren't in the way.

Also wonder if there are studies about the mental effects of winter, I've always been on the depressive side but it's 100x worse in the winter. Every day is gray as fuck, 0 sunshine and it rains way too often. I get out of bed, open my curtains, and my day is ruined already.
It was, it was like slow motion
and everything was so out of my control
In that moment, I don't know...what happens where souls go,
but I really realized the depth of love that I had and... Thank god for music
Emre (25)
State Retired Person
 
Posts: 18656
Location: Netherlands (nl)

Postby dolanpls » 07 Jan 2020, 16:33

Winter is fine when its not dark, dont mind cold lol. But yeah there are studies about mental effects of darkness and they are massive problem in the north of Finland where you get light for about 2-3 hours. It's called something like seasonal affective disorder.
User avatar
dolanpls (24)
State Celebrity
 
Posts: 1223
Location: Finland (fi)

Postby lilfrenchidiot » 07 Jan 2020, 18:27

Agreed with Valadia, I don’t even go out (except for work) when it’s above 25°C
Image
Image
lilfrenchidiot (23)
State Celebrity
 
Posts: 1506
Location: France (fr)

Postby Trantix » 08 Jan 2020, 00:11

I personally prefer the cold to hot. When I'm hot, I don't feel like doing anything and I get frustrated easier. But when it's cold, that doesn't happen. I also prefer when it's dark outside. Like recently where I live, there's been dark clouds for like a week now and I love the aesthetic of it.
Trantix (22)
State Citizen
 
Posts: 160
Location: United States (us)

Postby spitles » 08 Jan 2020, 05:04

not why/reason i am sad, but how i got sad ... ye i'm not sad because i want to be sad, i'm sad due to people who made wrong choices for me and who are still doing so ... it's a bit long, so i put spoiler tag ... translation with google, so maybe some stuffs don't make sense lol, still i tried to correct some big non-senses :

Show spoiler
I was born on December 16, 1986, I lived in a house in Kembs, a village in France, with my parents - my mother thought that it was too far from her parents home, in Ensisheim, France too, and therefore we moved to an apartment in Mulhouse, on the 3rd floor - on May 6, 1988 I did fell from that 3rd floor, from the kitchen balcony, my mother was on the phone - according to my health book I had spent 7 days in a coma

during kindergarten, my parents separated, my mother did not want to work and my father could no longer bear to pay everything - at the start of primary school, my mother's family decided to keep me for them all alone and have chased my father, they threatened him and they succeeded - then they succeeded in making me believe that my father is the worst garbage in the world - a year later, at 8 years old, I phoned my father to take news, and a few days after they came with the phone bill, my grandmother, my uncle, my aunt and my mother went ultra-violent with me - and whenever my mother remembered my father, she became ultra-violent with me, it often happened

my mother also made my drawings disappear, sometimes I couldn't find my drawings anymore, they were no longer there - once we had a gerbil, a small animal in a cage, and overnight the animal was no longer there, my mother said to me she put it on the balcony and the gerbil jumped ... - then she forced me to have a cat, to take care of it, and when the cat did damages, it was my fault, no matter what, and I got hit and yelled at - overnight the first cat was gone, my mom told me she did put the cat in the stairs and that a neighbor opened the door so the cat ran away ... ... looking back, imo she went ultra-violent with the cat, killed the cat, and then she staged to hide her crime - my mother staged a lot, actually she did theatre so ... - my mother also wanted me to wash and lick her feet once, I was 9 years old ... is it something you would do to your kid ? ... - I also suffered a lot of food poisoning, I had more gas (donut lol plz..) than the other children, who called me "rotten from the inside", in the end I discovered it was because my mother, and my grandmother especially, made me eat too much meat - I was not allowed to make noise either, otherwise my mother would become violent with me ...

my mother’s family also made me believe in Santa Claus, they were staging, it was impossible not to believe it - then when I asked the other children about their Christmas at school, theirs were different, either they had no Christmas, or Santa Claus was someone in disguise - the following years, when I guessed it was the uncles disguised as Santa Claus, I was told that I was wrong .... - also my uncle used to make me sniff his dirty foot/socks and to crush my hand ... etc... all of that and more other things caused me to be psychologically weakened at age 10 - I didn't dare to speak anymore, I had become very discreet, I used to lock myself on my bedroom, I couldn't trust these people anymore, and I was too afraid that they kill me if I dare say anything to anyone - they claimed i became like this because my dad did abandon me, claiming they're super heroes or whatever, but the truth is that they're much worse that what they claim my dad to be - at 13 I stopped talking to my mother - at 17 I got my baccalaureate, she said she was the one who succeeded - at 18 I tried to run away - etc ...

I wanted to make video games, specialized schools started to exist, but my family decided otherwise, so I did something else, something I did not want to do, and it messed up - on May 6, 2005, my mother died, I ended up with more or less 6 times the ammount of money to go to the video game school, but it was too late ... from 2005 to 2008 I lived in rental - in 2008 I still had no job, and my family got back in touch with my father and I went to live with him - suddenly I had a little 12 year old brother that I had never seen, and a mother-in-law, who i actually met earlier in my childhood - it was going ok, but I couldn't find a job - I was supposed to do webdesign, computer graphics, but I never found any decent work, a 2 month job aside - i tried freelance but people didn't want to pay me - in the end in 2010 i went to work at mcdonald's and i'm still there now - in 2010 there was the economic crisis too, my father lost his job, and I didn't know they were on credit - he started asking me for money, which was supposed to be used to finish building his house and sell it, but instead they used the money that I lent them to consume - my father and my mother-in-law consumed above their means, and ... i lost 55k€, but they lost everything, much more ... and they're still in shit today, but at least they admitted their mistakes, so let's say it's fine ... .

also from 2005 to 2010, as I couldn't find a job, I did other things - i actually had an experience with video games once - but since childhood i wanted to make sound too, I listened to hardcore and hardstyle since my childhood, thunderdome compilations, then thanks to the internet etc ... I don't know not if you remember hard.fm, I was there a few months, and with deezektor and other people we did the first "country battle" ... in short I started to buy myself equipment to dj, to produce sound, I played in a few local parties ... and when I had to leave my father's house, since I didn't get a lot of money from McDonalds, I was forced to go live in a 15 square meter studio, it was either that or the street, the move was done in a rush, I had no more space, I had to throw everything away, give up everything - I also had a car accident in early 2011, I wanted to leave McDonald's because it was badly managed and i had that car accident - late 2011, I couldn't take it any more, between family stories, bad job, crushed dreams, etc ... I didn't know what to do with my life anymore, I attempted suicide, but hey i'm still here ...

from 2012 to 2015 I had very little contact with my family (both sides), I went to work only to work, I did a little sport to maintain my body, I drew from time to time in a notebook, ideas for video games, or random stuffs, etc ... but I suffered from mismanagement at work, I worked several hundred hours for free, some other guys too, it was to make up for the bad directions, but there was no other choice, it was just too poorly managed - there's been a new director since 2015 and things are fine now.

late 2015 I decided to draw again, I have a manga project now, i still have it now ... in 2016 I got robbed, drawings, the computer, etc... i know who the robber is but i have nothing to prove it, it was a guy from the building who has a lot of things actually, he sold cars, has horses, etc... then a neighbor died... i'm in a similar situation that his now ... other weird things happend where I lived ... - meanwhile my mother's family was always asking about my money, they also wanted me to do trainings, to find another job, they wanted me to have more, they don't like what i have etc... they also wanted me to go to a psychologist - at the end of 2016 they placed me with financial aid which I did not want, it fucked up the shit and I'm still in it today - they said now I can buy them gifts, and so I did, I bought them gifts ...

in 2017 i tried things, a side job, and unicef ​​too, u.n. volunteers, etc ... I continued to work a bit on my manga project but not much, i was focussing on reasons to live ... - at unicef ​​I saw things that reminded me of past pains - in short the children are unhappy, they make smiles for the photos, sometimes people use unicef ​​money to have fun etc ... some friends who were in africa also told me some nasty things, but I can't verify, so I do not count it here ... unicef ​​reminded me of my childhood, my past, where adults do anything with children for their own pleasure, and in the end the children suffer and live an illusion of happiness, early 2018 I freaked out, I planned a suicide ... a friend came immediately to see me, my little brother too, and they somehow successed to cheer me up ... unfortunatly my mother's family used this opportunity to shit in my life once again, they plotted, dozen firefighters and policemen came to pick me up from my job, out of nowhere, one-way for the mental asylum, I lost 6 months of my life and a lot of money ... and my uncle said to me "now you have a weapon against McDonald's" .. now I see a psychologist, he invented a disease for me, he makes me consume drugs which destroy my body, and he does not listen to me, he doesn't care, when I go to see him, he's the one who speaks, i feel like being the doctor actually, listening to a kid who's toying with his clients ...

last year (2019), my mother's family started asking me for things again, training, changing jobs, contact them more often, etc... - they threatened to send me to jail too ... and i know what they're capable of ... - these people have been an obstacle since my childhood, they spoil my existence, and I don't know how to get out of this situation - talking to them is useless, forgiving them is useless, taking distances is useless too ... they don't even know me anymore, but they're still legal to choose things for me, whatever i say no or stop doesn't matter ... as long as these people will be alive i will never feel safe, and whatever justice happens or not, i'll probably suffer from what they did to me until death - i try to do sport, i try to work on my manga, sometimes funny hardstyle and hakken, but these pains are running wild in me fulltime




... maybe i'm complaining for nothing, actually i've seen people in very bad state, not being able to move etc... or who took huge body damages etc... somehow i'm lucky to be in 1 piece, i can do stuffs they can't but my funny family just ruins everything, i can't take it anymore ...
User avatar
spitles (33)
State Senior Citizen
 
Posts: 347
Location: France (fr)

Postby Valadia » 08 Jan 2020, 23:46

lilfrenchidiot:Agreed with Valadia, I don’t even go out (except for work) when it’s above 25°C


I like warmth in the summer aswell (not above 30 pls) but I don't like this limbo of 'too cold to wear no jacket, and when I wear one, I'll start sweating after some time' And being a big boii that's not what's very nice.
Soundcloud
Facebook
kraczk:Also Hard Driver and Digital Punk are notorious for being edgier than US school shooters.
User avatar
Valadia (22)
Producer
 
Posts: 1756
Location: Netherlands (nl) Groningen



Quick Reply

Register or login to share your passion for the harder styles
   
 


  • Related topics
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 11 guests